Dominik Vanyi, CC0, via Unsplash This collection holds over a hundred and fifty funny and witty bio ideas for Instagram. You can use them as they are, or you can improve on them if you like. There are no holds barred when it comes to humor, so feel free to go wild and uproarious! As they say, clowns change, but the circus stays the same. Hilarity never goes out of style, and I say it suits you really well!
Hilarious Bio Ideas for Instagram
Ah, I just love the whooshing sound that deadlines make as they fly by. All this time, I thought I wanted a job. Turns out, I just wanted a paycheck. An evolutionary mass of atoms whose sole instinct is survival. Avoid following the masses blindly. Every so often, the “m” in “masses” is silent. Bacon would probably cost less if we could slice it with lasers. Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly? Ah, that goes all the way to the bone! Can’t seem to recall where I stole this bio from or why. Certified meat-eater! Chocolate never asks questions. Chocolate understands. Don’t call me crazy! I prefer the term mentally hilarious. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a ninja. Even the Joker is jealous of my smile. Ever since my parents told me not to talk to strangers, I haven’t talked to myself. Every butt, big or small, is special. Learn to love each and every one of them. Everyone has me figured out, which makes it super easy for me. Extremely passionate about not starving to death. Guilty as charged! My hotness caused global warming. Here to steer clear of my family and friends on Facebook. How much does a hippie weigh? An Instagram! I desperately need two six-month vacations this year. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born. I put the “elation” in “public relations.” I put the “hot” in “psychotic.” I just want to jump out of the window and land on a huge pile of dessert. If you’re going to be stupid, at least be entertaining. Keeping secrets is totally easy for me. However, this ain’t the case for the people I tell them to. Life is too short to be updating Instagram bios. Living proof that nobody is perfect. Long story short, humanity is good for a laugh if nothing else. Meh is the new normal. Memes were my thing even before they existed on Instagram. My constant craving for desserts is becoming worrisome. My favorite extreme sport is avoiding people. Of course, I talk to myself! Where else would I get professional advice? Okay, I’m pretty sure this isn’t my home planet. Real-life me isn’t any less ridiculous . . . in case you weren’t wondering. Sarcasm connoisseur. Sausage puns are the wurst! Saying no to alcohol is a daily routine for me. It never listens, though! Sleeping comes so naturally to me that I can do it with both of my eyes closed. So what if I can’t sing? I’ll sing anyway. Super cali swagilistic hella dopeness! The Earth’s rotation really makes my day. There will be no adulting today. This will be my last Instagram bio ever. Too rad to be sad. Wait, where am I? And how in the world did I get here? Weirdness is a proven side effect of awesomeness. When I tried the 30-day weight loss diet, I lost 30 days! When you’re just too socially awkward for real life, Instagram welcomes you with open arms. Who said I’m funny? I’m actually very mean, but everyone thinks I’m just kidding. You drink too much and gossip too much. Let’s be friends.
Witty Catchphrases for Your Instagram Bio
A true master of the art of being handful. All of my puns are intended. Always identify who to blame in an emergency. Animals aren’t supposed to be eaten? Then explain to me why they’re made of meat! Attention is a hell of a drug! Awesome has 7 letters, and so does meeeeee! Born at an exceptionally young age. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done. Contributing to entropy since insert your birth year here. Death by chocolate seems like such a tasty way to go. Don’t believe everything the voices in your head are whispering. Don’t sweat the petty stuff. And definitely don’t pet the sweaty stuff. Everyone’s online presence is just an optical illusion. For today, I’m thinking breakfast, lunch, and dinner. God’s creativity knows no bounds. I mean, just look at me! Hey, are you reading my Instagram bio again? Here on Instagram to stalk. I feel really sad for seedless watermelons. What if they wanted babies? I’m like the patron saint of tiredness. I’m pretty sure this isn’t a good idea, but that has never stopped me before. If everyone on Earth joined hands around the equator, many of them would drown. In my defense, the voices in my head told me to do so. Just another no one saying nothing. Like a grocery cart with a wonky wheel, I never know in what direction I’m going. My compliments come out like ridicules. My mind’s all made up. Please stop confusing me with the facts. My relationship status? Netflix, chips, and pajamas! My “secret stash” is just candy and snacks that I hide from my family. My thoughts are so deep even the ocean gets jealous. No idea how many issues I have because math is one of them. On the pH scale, you’re a 14 because you’re super basic! One person’s LOL is another person’s WTF. Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes. Pirates don’t do homework. Professional procrastinator. Putting the “do” in “weirdo.” Some things are better left incoherent. Sometimes, it’s just a battle about who is least stupid. Spreading smiles like they’re herpes. Tacos won’t break your heart. Teenage years don’t really end until the early thirties. The weird in me acknowledges and salutes the weird in you. The whole universe triggers my allergies. The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it. There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator. Time is valuable. Don’t waste it reading my Instagram bio. Turning small talk into medium talk is my passion. What I do is considered normal in some cultures. Where do I apply to switch realms? While it’s true that hard work never killed anyone, why take the chance? Why are you here? Don’t you have sh*t to do? Why do I smile? Because I absolutely have no idea what’s happening. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? Without me, it would just be aweso. You see the follow button? I’d tap that! You’re checking my Instagram again, aren’t you?
Cool and Amusing Instagram Bios
A fine piece of procrastination. A pleasure to stalk you. All I require is constant attention and snacks. Always unreliable, easily distracted. BAE means bacon and eggs. And I just love my BAE! Being alive is being offline. Best served with coffee and a side of sarcasm. Day 1000 on Instagram, and I’m still not rich. Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect. Eat right. Stay in shape. Die anyway. Even the calendar says WTF after Monday and Tuesday. Gifted napper. Here to worship cats. I apologize in advance. I probably can’t fix it, but I can definitely f*ck it up. I have a black belt, and it has nothing to do with martial arts. I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock! I was a different person when I started typing this. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I’m beginning to like Instagram, which is unusual on the grounds that I loathe pictures. I’m not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. IF y0u c4n r34d 7H15, y0u r34lLy n33d 2 g37 l41d. If you’re a mosquito, unfollow me right now. In a relationship? Nah! I am in a flirtationship. It just isn’t as fun to rob banks anymore. Later is the best time to do anything. Left my sanity around here somewhere. Living is stupid and I want to sleep. My laziness is like the number 8. Once I lie down, it’s infinite! My left hand has never touched my left elbow. Nothing like avoiding everything. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a 15. Professional meme stealer since 1347. Proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants. Pudding tastes better with a plastic spoon. Putting quotes in bios is stupid. Really good at stuff until people watch me do the stuff. Recovering ice cream addict. Remember, don’t forget to ruin someone’s day by simply being yourself. Save paper, don’t do homework. Set your pockets free. Gimme all your money. Smack yourself on the ass and own the day. Someday, there’s going to be an updated version of me. Sometimes, I wish life had subtitles. Spread love as thick as you would spread peanut butter and jam. Stop the earth from spinning; I want to get off. The fat of my body is designer! There are two kinds of people in this world. I don’t like both of them. Things just ain’t the same for gangstas. This bio can’t handle me. I’m too many characters. This Instagram account ain’t gonna follow itself, no? Throwing shade like confetti. Too busy to update this bio. We’re all on the highway to hell, and I’m driving. When it comes to ice cream, resistance is futile. When someone has a problem with me, I totally agree. Wi-Fi, food, my bed. Perfection! Wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. Yes, I get emotional when it comes to math. It happens. You can’t fix stupid, no matter how much duct tape you use over the mouth!
